I am one chapter into a book called, Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe, and I am rocked. This book, written by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson, is so honest and raw and filled with the Truth and encouragement that this mom desperately needed.
At the start of year, I sat down and brainstormed the things that were important to me and a line item of goals that reflected that list. On the top is my 2.5 year old son and the sentence: “Own my motherhood.” It sounds like a silly resolution and goal, but something I have struggled with since the moment I came home from the hospital bearing all 9lbs, 22 inches of him in my small, inadequate arms.
After one week of having the freedom to work and stretch my mind and creativity while my husband took care of our son, I found myself on the bathroom floor in a pile of tears after just 3 hours alone with him. As I tried to get us out the door, he wore me down repeatedly for nearly an hour, as any toddler can do to a mama, and shook every ounce of patience and love out of me. I was brought to thoughts of past Springs & Summers, our busiest season of the year as small business owners, where I would often be alone all day, too disheveled and emotionally drained for company — just trying to get to nap time. I have heard other moms voice similar struggles, but knew what I was feeling was not quite the same as a hard moment, day, week or even month. I felt like a fish out of water nearly every minute of every day. “Will motherhood every agree with me?” was my heart’s cry.
Towards the end of Chapter 1, Sally Clarkson shares about her daughter, Sarah, who spent time in the NICU after a traumatic delivery. She writes:
As I sat in my little den, unsure of either my or my daughter’s future, I gave little Sarah into God’s hands, put her at my breast to attempt nursing, and by faith rested in this new assurance that this placed called motherhood would be a new pathway in my life. I caught a glimpse of God’s longing to teach me more about His ways and His grace as I accepted this gift He had given me.”
I repeated the words of that last sentence to myself and its truth became personal: God is longing to teach me more about His ways and His grace as I accept the gift He has given me. My heart beats stronger with this knowledge.
When I wrote the words, “Own my motherhood,”I viewed it as a role I needed to walk into and just become. For more than two years, I have struggled to figure out the path to get my heart to catch up to my mind. After reading Sally’s words and sitting on this truth, revelation came: When you are given something, you have the choice to refuse or to accept the gift. At the moment of acceptance, that gift becomes yours. To own the gift, means you have accepted the gift.
There are two things that have kept me in this heart-struggle with motherhood and robbed me of the joy and freedom that God intended for me to have as a mom. One, is the true understanding that Motherhood is not just a role, but a gift from God laid out to me with open hands. Two, is my choice to accept the gift and by faith, rest in His assurance to the place called motherhood that He has called me. And may my heavenly Father teach me more about His ways and His grace as I accepted the gift He has given me.
Scripture: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
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