Written by: Amanda Crane
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” Psalm 37:5-7
When I was pregnant with my son, countless other mothers told me things like, “Oh, boys just love their mamas!” and “All little boys want to marry their moms—you’ll see!” The thought of an actual baby outside of my body—a little person able to interact with and emotionally attach to me—was still foreign at that time, as I had been waiting for what seemed like years to meet this young man who would apparently one day be so enraptured with me.
The first year of our journey together was hard and it was sweet. He fought against what I assumed would be the most natural of relationships—that of a nursing mother and her willing newborn—but I was determined to give him the best that I could and for six long months pumped milk for him, a tiring and often frustrating endeavor. He also woke frequently at night for many months needing to eat and wanting me to rock him back to sleep. I knew that my smell comforted him and that my nearness brought him peace; he saw me as an extension of himself and I felt the same way about him, my precious son.
Around his first birthday, I began noticing a shifting dynamic. Our son began wanting his dad more often than he wanted me, a behavior that over the following months developed into an obvious, consistent, and painful preference. I knew my son loved me, of course, and there were many reassurances that he did still need me and miss me when I wasn’t around, but he was no longer the small infant who just wanted to be close to his mother’s beating heart. I was grateful to witness this developing bond between father and son, one that so many mothers pray for as they watch their husbands enter fatherhood (and one that I never for a second doubted would happen because I always knew my husband would be the amazing dad that he is), but I also felt so jilted. I had given so much of myself for my son; to be pushed aside in this way made me wonder where I had gone wrong as a mother and how I’d managed to screw it all up so quickly.
By the time he was three, he was able to verbalize his preference for his dad, and would consistently ask for him as soon as he woke up and then tell me not to help him when he sleepily toddled down the hall to the bathroom each morning. My husband couldn’t leave the house for work without our son falling to pieces, screaming as his dad shut the front door behind him. He wanted daddy to sit with him and daddy to hold him when he was scared. Daddy ALL the time. It felt like I was never enough for him, even though I was completely for him. His words and actions hurt me so deeply—more than I ever realized I could hurt. Though I knew he loved me, the way he often treated me did not demonstrate that love. I recently came across a journal entry that I wrote during this season, when I also happened to be pregnant with my daughter, who would be born just 17 days later. I wrote about how whenever my husband was around, it was like I didn’t exist, and therefore was not enough:
This kind of rejection hurts worse than any broken heart. What did I do wrong to make him dislike me so much? What should I do going forward? Do I keep loving him, trying to make him love me, and failing?”
I felt so isolated because I couldn’t begin to imagine that any other mom had this embarrassing struggle. And I felt terrified because in just a couple weeks I would be having another baby. Would the same thing happen with her, too?
Maybe you too have experienced heartbreaking rejection from a son or daughter, a friend, or a spouse. Maybe you have also wondered why you weren’t “enough” for this person and if it was even worth it to continue pursuing them—if you should protect yourself in isolation so that you wouldn’t have to feel that hurt anymore.
Sweet friends, praise God that perfect love casts out fear and that we need not be afraid of how our own humanity might “mess things up” when we entrust our lives and our will to the Lord. When we love others obediently despite where we worry it might leave us when all is said and done.
To love someone without reservation is to risk reciprocation. To expose our hearts to the elements. To seek to love in the way He loves us, with hands open, expectant but not insistent.
As mothers—and as human beings—rejection hurts. It isn’t what we bargained for when we signed on to this whole deal. It isn’t what we think we deserve. Whether it’s in the form of our kids needing us less or a friend blowing us off or a spouse neglecting us, it just feels so terribly unjust—but we can’t allow it to numb our hearts from feeling the way our Creator has designed them to. We can’t let it cause us to run from our calling to love freely.
He is the one who allows the “justice of our cause to shine like the noon day sun” (Psalm 37:6), who allows us to continue loving even when it isn’t comfortable or easy or returned. Because we rest in His goodness and wait patiently for Him to act on our behalf. Knowing that the One who goes before and behind us champions our cause even when we are rejected brings so much reassurance; we don’t have to worry that our obedience in love will ever leave us high and dry, because no matter how others make us feel, we know who we are in Him.
He models unconditional love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us. We are able to love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19).
My son will be four in a few months and his life (and our relationship) has changed dramatically since his little sister was born seven months ago. The Lord has orchestrated so many simple, yet sweet and affirming moments between my son and I, allowing me to know how much he does love and need me. The hurtful rejection has diminished, and God is restoring the brokenness I once felt, letting me confidently mother my son without the constant insecurity that I’m not “good enough” or the crippling fear of being dismissed. Through the people He places in my life, He continues to teach me how to love even when it hurts and without fear, trusting that He will both help and advocate for me, acting on my behalf.
Prayer: Heavenly Father, we thank you for demonstrating unconditional love to us through Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made. Help us to surrender our fear of rejection and to rest in the promise that You will act on our behalf. Help us to love wholeheartedly and without fear. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us.” – 1 John 4:18-19
 | Amanda Crane lives and worships in the Warrenton area with her husband, Jake, and two little ones, Kaden and Everly. A graduate of James Madison University’s School of Education, she has taught each grade level of secondary English in both public and private schools, and is currently staying home with her kids. She writes to encourage other moms who are getting by on Jesus, grace, and coffee that the work they are doing matters greatly in God’s kingdom. |
I love your heart, Amanda. We’ve both grown so much fromwhen we were briefly living together at college. You and the other housemates had a positive impact on me. ? Keep on keeping on, mama. His mercies are new every day.
Thank you, Elysia! Yes – we have certainly come a long way since then 🙂 I so enjoyed the short time we were housemates! Love seeing how God has blessed your growing family!